Joy’s Euphemisms for Polite Conversation
Hello there parents, soon-to-be parents and would-love-to-be parents but for the fact ‘there are no horses in the traps’ (see glossary below).
Now for most of us, nothing could be more natural than talking about the moment when the emerging head of our new-born gives our labia what basically amounts to a Chelsea Smile. Nothing could feel more comfortable than having a good old natter about the excrement that shuffles from your back bottom as your child is being pushed from your front bottom. And nothing could feel more right than chit-chatting the night away about your husband not wanting to have sex during pregnancy for fear his todger will bang against the baby’s head like a policeman’s truncheon during the miners’ strike.
For others however, this seems to be a problem. You see these types at a dinner party and they come over all prudey. They seem unwilling, for example, to discuss the placenta while spreading liver pate on their ciabatta.
If you happen to be one of these people, help is finally at hand. Below, I have developed a glossary of pregnancy-related euphemisms for polite society. I hope you’ll find them useful, but also that one day you will summon up the courage to call a spade a spade and a prolapsed vagina a prolapsed vagina.
- ‘John Hurt in Alien’, ‘Belly pop’, ‘Bikini bye-bye’
- Having sex with a pregnant woman
- ‘Crowd trouble at the Millwall game’, ‘The one-eyed chimney sweep.’
- Waters breaking
- ‘The river Minge has burst its banks’, ‘The Soon-ami’, ‘Freddy steady go’ (not applicable to all)
- ‘Crying creamy tears’
- The umbilical cord
- ‘Baby’s body bungee’, ‘Fleshy Rampunzel’
- Nappy changing
- ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’, ‘Slopping out’
- ‘There are no horses in the trap/bullets in the gun/bees in the meadow’
- Accidentally excreting while giving birth
- ‘Rolling out the brown carpet’, ‘Mum’s smelly crash mat’
- ‘A month of your life down the bog’
- The Pill
- ‘Abortion by mouth’
- Breast feeding
- ‘Taking a visit to the dairy’, ‘Off to see Nurse Nipple’
- Powdered milk
- ‘Teat cheat’